Love, Marriage... And Divorce
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Love, Marriage... And Divorce

Oct 29, 2019

 

What's It About...

 

Whether you are married or not - you NEED to listen to this episode! 

 

There is so much that people don’t ever seem to mention about marriage. It seems to either be all sunshine and roses or dark and doom.

 

And with how fast everything is changing in our current society - i.e. social media, technology, societal norms, etc - nothing you read and were thought that isn’t based on information in the last few years is useless.

 

Marriage is such a complex thing and you must go into knowing a few things.

 

One of those is - there will be A LOT of things you do NOT agree on.

 

And that’s ok.

 

We’ve had countless disagreements over the course of our marriage including things like, how do we discipline our kids and how we deal with crying babies. And whether it was the kids arguing or them crying as babies - we had one rule.

 

The Golden Rule: Anything we do or say to each other, we must be accountable for.

 

In this episode, we’re taking the chance to share our journey from meeting, to dating, to getting married and have a very special conversation on marriage and the things that no one else is telling you about it. 

 

We hope using our own experiences to help you get through the ups and downs of this incredible experience. 

 

Tune in to know all about communication, empathy, and disagreement in the PUSH podcast.

      

Want to find a specific topic? 

 

  • “Love doesn’t mean you’ll always agree” (02:19)
  • The one rule intended in our marriage (06:17)
  • Married with three children and a mortgage in less than a year (13:36)
  • The problem with expectations in any relationship (24:26)
  • Is not about being right, it’s about getting it right. A reflection on communication (36:00)
  • Stepping aside from your ego in order to understand each other (40:28)

 

Where To Learn More...

 

Episode Transcript...

 

Disclaimer: The Transcript Is Auto-Generated And May Contain Spelling And Grammar Errors



Janelle & Eddie:

Today we're going to talk about marriage and I think with us getting ready to celebrate our 15 year wedding anniversary in January 2020 new decade, look at that new decade’s chance for, we like solid numbers like this as a chance for rebirth so we get to reinvent ourselves, right? But I want to throw it back to a lot of our younger friends that are just barely getting married or people that we know that are looking and searching for the perfect one. And today I thought it'd be kind of cool to talk about all of the things that people don't tell you about marriage because it's a long freaking journey, right? A lot about marriage. There's no handbook. Well, there probably is a handbook. I mean it's 2020 but if you are juggling marriage and children and finances and a mortgage and all of that stuff in 2020 I guarantee any book that was not written in 2020 no longer applies because there's just so many more things. Yeah,

 

Eddie:

well, social media, internet, everything that we have to face now in, in this new decade was not around 20 years ago, 30 years.

 

Janelle:

It wasn't around when we got married, there were no social media.

 

Eddie:

They allow people to get married without a handbook. Like there should be like a course. Okay, you've got to do this first before you even like think about getting married

 

Janelle:

right. Same with having children by the way, but there should be like a pass or fail. Like you're either compatible, you're either like, Hey, there is a solid 20% chance you're going to make it. We'll go ahead and grant you a marriage certificate. Right? But if you don't pass with at least like a 20% like compatibility rate, then your ass just shit and get married. There needs to be that, don't you think?

 

Eddie:

Yeah. Like there should be a place you go, that's objective. You go in there and you take individual tests and you come out and you say,

 

Janelle:

based on the results, you are not compatible. based on what we found,

 

Eddie:

this would be a huge mistake. We actually by law abandoning you from getting married.

 

Janelle:

I love that. Oh, someone's going to talk a major shit. They're like, you should be able to marry whoever you want to say, Oh, there's an app for that. You should go. I want to know. I want to know 15 years if we would still be compatible. So today I wanted, I asked you like one simple question. What was the question? Like the quote that I saw that kind of inspired this episode was like love doesn't mean you'll always agree. Right? And over 15 years we have disagreed more times than I can really count. But I asked you before we started this, like can you think of things we disagreed on?

 

Eddie

Yeah, it was hard because like, and here's the crazy thing. Like we worked through a lot of things and we figure it out. So there are times where we may disagree, but we've come to a common understanding and so we move forward. But I would probably say one of the things that we disagreed on was when the girls were younger getting involved when they would fight or bicker with one another. And so I think that we both had different positions on that. And I don't know if it was because I'm a man and you're a woman and all these different things. I don't know if that has anything to do with it or, but I remember they would have little arguments which kids do and our kids are two years apart so that you have some perspective. So there are times where there are four, six and eight and so they are all kind of in for a while. They were kind of almost the same age and all girls, very dramatic. Different personalities, 100% and they give a shit about each other. Oh yeah. They didn't care about each other at all. And so they would bicker and fight and do all these different things. And I would want to sit back and just like let them deal with it. And um, you, I remember Janell would be like, aren't you gonna do something about it? You would either pinch me under the table or hit me or,

 

Janelle:

cause you know, guys already, guys already act like they don't hear anything that's going on. It's like this superpower that you guys have that's just like, bro, are you not listening to this like this? This has got to stop. Like normal people can't behave like this outside of this home's so why do they get to act like this in this home? And I felt very much like I was the disciplinary and like I had to be the one constantly on them. And you just, you quite frankly I felt like you just didn't care and you were just like tuning them out. And that's something I think if the ladies are listening, like your husband has this like switch in his like ear lobes or something or his eardrums where he can just like literally turn off life and it pisses me off.

 

Eddie:

Like first of all, say you still say something. Did you hear what she just said? I go, who's talking?

 

Janelle:

Right. So first of all, my sense of hearing is super heightened. Like I'm like a dog. I can hear anything. Right. And that has, I mean,

 

Eddie:

well, it was so funny because early in our marriage, like I didn't hear anything and you heard everything

 

Janelle:

you chose not to hear things. I am fully convinced like you guys a freaking newborn baby crying in the middle of the night. Eddie acted like he didn't hear it. Yeah. See you.

 

Eddie:

You telling you, well, you know what's funny is, so when Jordan was younger and she had to wake up in the middle of the night, like I don't know what I was, I thought this is when we talk about what the expectations are, but I'll tell you, I thought, Oh, I have to go to work. The baby just came home and so I'm just going, yeah, you should just get out. I was just, and it was crazy thing is that we didn't talk about it. I just kept sleeping so much till baby until I woke up with all these bruises on my body. No, but we would be sleeping and then she would, she would literally smack me and said the baby's crying. And I was like, huh, what? What? And then

 

Janelle:

it was so convenient for you to sleep through all of that. Oh God, this is bringing up so many painful memories. I don't even if I can get,

 

Eddie:

let me tell you. So eventually we had a system but it took some pain and some, some really tough conversations to get to that point. Um, one was like, I don't appreciate being rudely looking and I was like, and I don't appreciate you acting like you don't hear this child screaming her head out a how do we figure this out?

 

Janelle:

And I think that like, I mean, we weren't going to give marriage advice on this, but I think the one rule that we had that we mutually agreed upon was anything that we do or say to each other, we must be accountable for. So the rule did not do or say something that you have to apologize for because you cannot erase hurt emotions. Right? So if you ever called me the B-word or just got really crazy and there was going to be a zero chance, I'd be able to forgive that and get over that. Because to me, it wasn't about what you did. It was that like you just lacked the wherewithal, you lacked control. And I felt like I didn't want to be with someone who would be like, I'm sorry you just made me so mad and I just lost control. No, that's just irresponsibility and laziness I think.

 

Eddie:

Oh absolutely. And I think that was something I think that we both came to the relationship like understanding and I know we had been in crazy relationships, right? Anything went and I think that that was something I think that has helped us get to 15 years. Never having to backtrack and say, I didn't mean that I said this and don't get us wrong. We'd have conversations where someone would say something and someone would make it mean something different. Absolutely. You get all in your feelings and your life when you said it, this is how I felt. Right. And you know that you created that narrative, but that was something I think that it has and if we can give any advice is, is, is learn to live by that. Because I think that that's like a principle of, I looked at it from this vantage point, I love you. I don't ever want to say anything to hurt you right now. I may do things accidentally or make a mistake, but I don't want to intentionally cause I can control the words coming out my mouth. I don't want to say something because you made me mad my way of paying you back and saying something awful. You hurt me so I'm going to hurt you today. And this is not us like standing on any type of pedestal saying, Hey, we are the moral citizens of communication. That was the one role we had.

 

Janelle:

It was because we had both been in toxic relationships and we knew that like, okay, here's the thing like I don't like to be disrespected. I don't want to disrespect you because I know if I fly off the handle we're going to not be able to clean that up. Right? Like that's going to require so much extra work. So how about we just come to a mutual agreement? It was very much a business decision. Like, let's just not, let's just see what happens if we try to remain accountable for the things that come out of our mouths and the things that we do. Because like a rule that we still live by is like you can't control any circumstances. Nothing that happens in your life, nothing that comes up, nothing that's an accident. You literally can't control anyone or anything, right? But the one thing you have control over is how you react and yourself. And if you can't control that one thing, then quite frankly, I can't deal with you because

 

Eddie:

yeah, and we didn't, and we didn't know this now, but if I were to give it any type of like kind of a, an analogy is like the doctor, when you go to the doctor and you have some issues and the doctor gives you medication and he says you're starting to react to the medication, you know, that's a bad thing, right? Like you're having a reaction and it on the opposite side of that, if the doctor gives you a medication and you say, he says, Hey, you're starting to respond, that's a positive thing. So I think, yeah. react vs response Right. And so I think that that is something, I think that is one of the things that I said, Hey, we're pretty good at that, of, of really staying in a place of responding and being thoughtful about how we say things and how we react. Are we perfect at that? No, but I think that that is a kind of a guiding principle in our relationship and has allowed us not to have these fall-outs where we find a lot of our friends or people that we know have these fallouts and, and you hear what is sad and you're just like,

 

Janelle:

I'm like, Oh my God. How do you even recover from that? Like if Eddie said that to me, I would be destroyed. You know why? Because I think you're the only person whose opinion really matters to me. Quite frankly. Like my kids don't know what the hell is going on in life. They're, they're not there yet. Right. But someone else could say something about me, but if it came from you, I would know without certainty or with certainty that you're telling me something really painful. That's going to help serve me. Right? But like you're the only one who's opinion really matters to me. So if I hold you that high in regard, then if you said something, Oh my God, I'd be destroyed and you wouldn't be able to overcome that. Right?

 

Eddie:

So before we kind of transition, I want to ask you this. So for people who are listening to that are like, Oh damn, we do that in our relationship. Sometimes we say hurtful things.

 

Janelle:

Yeah, apologize. And start over.

 

Eddie:

We're not judging at all, but I want to ask you like what advice would you give them from today on? Like what could you do differently?

 

Janelle:

Oh God, my favourite thing is what happened and what did you make it mean? So what do I mean by that? I mean like the next time someone flies off the handle you say, okay, look what just happened. Or what, what happened was that fool lost his damn mind. Right? What I make it mean is like, how could it be so hurtful? You know, does he, does he mean that you get all in your fillings? And I would say it just needs to start with a conversation there. Hey, so I gave you a pass. You lost your mind, right? Is it true? Are you apologizing for the fact that you called me these names or you did whatever, but we got to talk about how we are going to communicate going forward from this point on. Because I think responsibility, we in the first episode, responsibility will change your life.

 

Janelle:

Yeah. And when you start to take responsibility for how you're communicating with others and how you're showing up in those relationships, things are going to change. So I think today if you started today and you're in a not so healthy relationship, you got to sit down and have a heart to heart and say, Hey, so here's the thing. I heard this ridiculous podcast and they said that we gotta be responsible for the things that fly out of our mouth because we can't control anything else in life. Right. So going forward, can we be a little bit more thoughtful in the things that we choose to let fly out of our mouth? Because it really demonstrates a lack of, what's the word?

 

Eddie:

I think it's respect, respect, kindness. I think, and I look at it from if you were just to remove the emotion and you just look up, think about it. Say it out loud. I'm going to say something to you to hurt you on purpose. Well, you may as well just stab me then. Right? So sometimes you got to like say things out loud without emotion and just logical and you say, Hey, you know what? In this argument right now, before we get started, I'm going to say four things. Sorry, I put it three numbers, three fingers, four things that I'm going to purposely use to try to hurt you. Is that just going to be true? I just know that I'm going to come, they made your true and it may be something that we've talked about deep in our relationship and I've tried it in you and I'm going to throw it in your face because this is war. So the heart is racing right now. So, but that is, I think you have to like really start just say it to yourself and say it to your partner and say, Hey, like this is how we have to start looking at it. We're maybe we will have arguments, maybe we will have disagreements, but this is what we're saying without saying.

 

Janelle:

Yep. So let's get back on track to the disagreements. I remember when we first started. Okay. So just to give you a little back history, when I met Eddie, I'll walk you through a timeline really quick. In 2003, I met him when we both were leaders for best buy. So that was October, 2003 all this time went by. By the way, Eddie had two children. They were like, one was just brand new and then the Jasmine was like two. Yeah. And he showed me a picture when I first met him and I was like, who is this guy claiming these little sisters as his like you looked like such a baby. And I was like, there's no way this 20-year-old guy. Yeah, you did bro. For sure. You were so young that like I'm not disrespecting you. He's like, you looked very, very young.

 

Janelle:

And then he shows me, you know, Oh, these are my two daughters. And I remember, do you remember I was like, yeah, outta here. Those are your sisters. I was, he goes, no, these are my kids. And I was like, there's no way these are babies or yours. You're like a baby yourself. So he had two small children and we worked together, we got transfer, you got transferred. We just were really good work friends. That's a whole story for another. But in May we are really good friends. And he said, Hey, we should go out like you know, let me take you out for your birthday. And I was like, yeah, we're going to go bowling or something. He goes, no, like we should go out again. Whole another story. I was devastated because I thought we were friends. So we go out for my birthday, that was May of 2004 in September 2004 so,

 

Eddie:

so mind you in may we went, we actually went off, if you remember, it was someone's birthday. And we went out all together cause we all had may birthdays. Right. So it wasn't like a date. It was like

 

Janelle:

let's just go out. Right. But it was after my birthday, the end, which was like June that it was like, okay, I think I want to take you out. So let's just call it June. Right. So then in September we signed to least and we Elise and we moved in with each other. So that was like, okay, June, July, August, September, four months later we were like, okay, let's do this. So we move in with each other. The kids have their own room. At that time I made a lot of money, so I bought all kinds of pottery barn stuff. It was like I was new to the kid thing. So I was like, I'm going to deck out their rooms. They were painted and we had a place in Pasadena. So then I remember we had made a business decision like, Hey, next year we should get married.

 

Janelle:

Like we were really filling each other obviously for us to move in with the kids and stuff. And we said, let's get married next summer. That's when it's going to be. And I remember I went for like an annual pap smears somewhere around September ish. And the doctor said, look, if you plan on getting married next year and like starting a family sometime within the next like 24 to 48 months, you probably should consider going off of the pill because like you've been on the pill for a very long time. And I was like, Oh. So I remember I came home, we talked about it and we agreed like, yeah, we want to have kids like soon after we get married in the summer of next year. Can I just tell you guys I was pregnant by October that damn doctor, that damn doctor? And okay. So I was pregnant by October 2004 so I cried for like a week. Do you remember? Well,

 

Eddie:

what was interesting was the doctor told us to do that and we're like, okay, cool. This probably won't happen. We were around other people that were struggling with the words. Yeah. Yeah. And so we thought, okay well this is probably, it will probably take some time for the birth control to wear off. So that was the strategy there, but not a good strategy. And then we bought a bunch of pregnancy tests that we took. I took the pregnant, well I took one.

 

Janelle:

So I took the pregnancy test cause my period just wasn't coming the next month and I was pretty regular. But I was like, Oh man, I'm all jacked up now that I'm not taking the pill. So I think I bought it from Costco or something. There was like four in the pack. So I peed on three of them, tossed them in the trash, they all came up negative. So then like weeks go by and I'm like, what is it like where is my period? I wasn't feeling different or anything. I was just like, what's happening? So one day you were in there taking a shower and you said like, man, I don't understand. I said, what if they're broken? What if it was like expired or something? Why don't you pee on it and see what happens? So at EPS on the fourth pregnancy stick, we set it down. Yeah, in a four pack. Literally like the other three are in the trash. This has gone on for weeks now. So he pees on the last one and he goes, yeah, I'm definitely not pregnant. So it didn't have a line or anything. However,

 

Eddie:

well then you went, so I did, you went into the kitchen and I was like thinking, I was like man. And I said, look, I grabbed the package and I started reading the package and it said second line may appear thanked and I was like, huh, may appear Fein. So then I go into the trash can because the one I took there was no paint line. Yeah. So then I, I grabbed one from the trashcan. I go, well this line is faint. I grabbed another one for the trash, can I go, well, so is this one, I grabbed the third one and I said, yup.

 

Janelle:

He goes, bam, you might want to come in here. And I was like, why? So I'd come into the bathroom and he has all four of them, like on the counter. And he goes into the package and I said, yeah, isn't read this. And I read it. And I was like, okay, they may appear faint, there was nothing on mine. And he goes, well, you're right, this is the one that I just took. And I said, nothing, you're not pregnant. And he goes, but this is yours. And I'm like, Oh shit, that's a faint line. And he goes, and this is the other one and this is the other one. And I just immediately, I was like, what does it mean? What does this mean? She was immediately in tears. Oh, I was devastated. Why? Cause I was so busy climbing the corporate ladder. We were just really, really being aggressive with trying to grow our careers and I was destroyed.

 

Janelle:

So he sees me crying for like a week. I'm like, I'm just like holding it all in. I'm just like sad. And, and then he finally says like, I'm sorry, can we talk? Like where are we really going to get married? Because you're crying, which leads me to believe that you're not really serious. Do you not love me? Like, is this not a good thing? I'm like, no, it's not a good thing. Don't make this about you. This is about me and I'm trying to grow my career and we're not even married and blah, blah, blah. And he goes, well, let's get married. Then. I'm like, yeah, now I'm going to be so pregnant next year. We knew where we wanted to get married and he goes, well, let's just call and see what will happen if we tried to like speed it along. And I was like, okay, well is that a good decision?

 

Janelle:

Should we do that? We'll clearly, we know we want to have this kid together. Clearly we're already living as a family together and clearly like this is just the way that that we've got to roll with things. So we call the next day and we look at some dates in January because it's October and it just out. The place that we want to get married at is like open availability in January. And so we book a wedding for January, so we get married. I'm four months pregnant, not showing at all. I probably waited to less that day. And then in July, Jordan is born, so that's July, 2005 October 2005 a couple months later we bought our first house. November, 2005 the very next month after having a $5,000 mortgage, our boss at the time at best buy one of our mentors leaves to go be the regional vice president of circuit city and starts recruiting us and we're like, what? Why would we go work for circuit? Shitty at the time was like the underdog, right? So we abort the mission, jump ship, go work for circuit city and all of this literally are you following what I just said? I mean this started in 2004 in may and then by 2005 in may we're married, pregnant, getting ready to have to buy a home, switch our careers and now I've inherited, I have three children within a year.

 

Eddie:

Yeah. So this is actually how happened to my life. This is what we call rapid marriage. This is when you take, don't do that. This is when you say, Oh Hey, this is marriage. This is marriage. On steroids and you just like go and you know, I think that at the time we felt like these were all rational decisions. Like it was all like, Oh yeah, let's just do that. Let's just find the house.

 

Janelle:

Funny. As a couple of years later we went to one of my girlfriend's weddings and they had not been dating for very long. And I remember the people in the audience were like, well I don't know. You know, they haven't been together for very long and we're like, Ooh, I don't know if it's gonna make it. And we started laughing and we're like, what were people thinking at our wedding?

 

Eddie:

Like your family didn't even know who I would. I look

 

Janelle:

my F no one knew we were pregnant though right until my bridesmaid decided to toast to a healthy baby and I was like, girl, you just ruined everything. It’s a whole nother issue. Getting on trackback to things we disagreed on. We disagreed on a lot of things but I will tell you like mostly it was around raising them

 

Eddie:

children. Well really quickly. So we tell you that not long story, cause it was definitely fast because of, you're talking about a marriage and the kids in the home and everything, but we're just kind of set the tone so you understand like how quickly we got into marriage and we're not prepared. And also how, and I think relatively young, you know, well, 24 years old right now, I was 26 right? Children are already in the,

 

Janelle:

if you're a guy at 24 you should not get married. And I, what did I tell you on our wedding day?

 

Eddie:

You sure you want to do this? You're, you know, you're

 

Janelle:

so young, like I'm, maybe you shouldn't do this. Like it's okay, let's just be friends for a while. And you were so with me. Yeah. And I was like, no, seriously. Like you're young, you're a young guy, you can live your life. And then maybe if we're meant to be like, let's get married, like when you're 30 or something. And he's like, if you don't walk your ass down the aisle,

 

Eddie:

we're gonna have a problem. What was so crazy is because the environment we were in, I didn't necessarily see myself as being young because I had many of the same responsibilities as other people. And so you would, it would be, unless people looked at me and say, Oh, you look young. I think most people thought that I was older than what I was. Yeah, same. I mean we both had kind of rough young adult lives to where we had to like scrape and scramble and figure things out first survival reason. So we were definitely more mature,

 

Janelle: 

but okay. Getting back to you, disagreeing on raising children, and this is going to come to you like one of the things that I feel like should be on the test, the exam for whether you should be able to get married or not, and that is your expectations. I do think your expectations alone can completely destroy your marriage. So setting the tone of, here we are, we're pregnant, we have, we get married, we get married, we have the baby, we have the house, we have all this stuff. Now we're starting, I'm back to work with a new company. I'm also breastfeeding with a pump at the freaking, I'm in my office. Right. And for those that don't know, Eddie and I had the same exact position. We were both store managers, leaders leading a team, managing massive amounts of revenue and goals and budgets and district managers and all of the things. So we did the exact same thing. So I thought we were equal partners. That's really what I thought. And then I'd come home one night and we have all three kids, all three, why are you smiling? And I walk in the back door and I'm tired. And immediately I gotta pull up my shirt and start breastfeeding. This baby who I haven't seen all day and the kids are running around crazy. And this fool's playing video games, you guys,

 

Eddie:

not just video games. It was like John Madden

 

Janelle:

with like a beer. Like you got a beer, you're chilling, you're playing video games. And now I've got to put a kid on my boob and sit there. And I'm like, I hate my life right now. The kids were loud and obnoxious and screaming and running around and this fool turns to me and says, what's for dinner babe? Oh, you guys remember the rule about not saying things and like flying off the handle. So very calmly, I just turn and I look at him as I'm breastfeeding Jordan and I said a divorce. I want a divorce. That's what I think should be for dinner. And he was like, no, for real. Like what's for dinner? No, this isn't working. I'm not happy. Like this is not what I thought marriage was supposed to be. You're asking me what's for dinner? And I literally just did the same exact job that you did all God damn day and now I'm feeding this baby, nourishing her life and you're me.

 

Janelle:

What's for dinner? What is for dinner? Eddie? I don't know. And he pauses it. Paul, I think I actually just turned to maybe you if that was, if you were being smart, you turn it off on, do you remember what you said? No. You were like, okay, what should we be doing? What do you need from me? And I was like, I need you to figure out what the hell is for dinner. But I just don't think this is going to work. And I'll never forget we had the most amazing conversation because you guys, I was done. I was like this is not going to work. The expectations of what I thought a husband was supposed to do. This ain't it. I don't know what it is but this ain't it. Right. Yeah.

 

Eddie: And it's interesting cause I remember the conversation that you're referring to. We were actually in bed. No, no.

 

Janelle:

We were sitting on that couch right there. You were playing the game.

 

Eddie:

No, no, no. I'm talking about later that night. Oh, later the night. Later. Later that night. But just to give you my perspective, cause there are guys out there that are going to be listening to this. Like I thought I was doing what husbands do. I thought, Hey I worked, you know you're supposed to come home and drink a beer. I'm 24 or five years old. I'm playing video games because I rationalized that I needed to play video games because I'm a competitive person. And this is a way for me to out to, to like put that out there and get rid of that competitive energy or an error. And, and when she looked at me and I was like, Oh I'm doing this all wrong.

 

Janelle:

What did you think that though? Like did it click at that moment? Because some guys could been like get off my back. I had a rough day, whatever. And I'm like no like understand people. We did the same job. Right. But in addition to leading a team of a couple of hundred people, I'm also pumping milk from my breasts, which my body is still trying to recover in my office and I come home and it's just mayhem. Like the kids are jumping all over cause remember Eddie can't hear them. Right. And I'm just like I don't want this life. I don't want this life.

 

Eddie:

I w if, to answer your question, I probably did not know as far as like the magnitude of how you felt. I just knew that you were not happy and I knew that the way you looked at me was like this is serious.

 

Janelle:

Yeah. So that to give the context of the time we got married in January, the baby came in July, we're talking, this is maybe November. Like that's how quick our marriage could have been over. Right. So then we talked that night and I think Eddie does a really good job of processing like okay she's for real. Cause I think he takes me seriously because I don't fly off the handle. I was very calm about it. I never raised my voice. Right. We got through dinner, we put the kids to bed and then he said can we talk about this? And I was like, I don't really know if there's anything to talk about. So we sit down, we're in bed and he said, can I just tell you I don't know what a husband is supposed to do. Yeah. I never really saw a husband interact with my mom and I had to like listen to what he was saying.

 

Janelle:

You guys, cause Eddie's mom wasn't married when he was younger. He doesn't know his dad. He said, I've never had a role model. Show me what a husband's supposed to do other than like on TV or what I've talked to my guy friends about, he said, but if you show me how to be a husband, I promise you I can do that. I also asked for patients. Yeah, you did. And I was like, what a bitch. I am. I am such a bitch. This poor man didn't even have a dad, so why would I expect him to know how to be a husband? Yeah. And that was just such a pivotal moment for us. And I feel like a lot of things that we've overcome have come from just simple communication. But that is just a pure example of expectations being mismanaged. Right. I expected that you knew how I grew up. I expected you knew that because my mom was a strong independent woman. Her husband would come home and yeah, he'd have a beer, but his ass would be outside barbecuing. He'd be mowing the lawn or watering the lawn and helping with the kids and putting the kids to bed at night, giving them baths. They were a team. And I expected that. You knew that that's what I wanted and that was my fault entirely because we never had a chance to talk about what my expectations were that were not being met.

 

Eddie:

Right. And that was just a young person at the time that had no idea how to do this thing. I thought marriage was like, Oh cool. That means we get to have sex all the time because yeah, because we live in the same house with the same bed, you might as well. Right. What else did you get to do? So?

 

Janelle:

So that leads me to point number two. You're a partner will be annoying an F most of the time. And again, that comes from expectations, right? Like if a man gets married and he thinks like, Oh, this would be about sex every night. Yes. I don't know about you women out there, but when I had Jordan, I thought I was broken. I was like, don't even look at my boobs. Or they'll shoot in milk out and that's disgusting. And he wanted to get freaky with me and I was like, this is so gross. Do you not know? My body just produced a human, it's not made for sex anymore. It's made for reproduction. And I felt like there were times babe, where I laid in bed and you were trying to like get frisky and I was like, Oh God, if I don't put out like he's going to cheat on me.

 

Janelle:

And I would think to my head, somebody would be doing me goddamn favor to take him from me. Cause this is so exhausting. And I know the women out there can relate to this because your body is like literally, I'm trying to recover from growing a human right and it's still doing all these weird things and I don't even feel like I'm in my own body and I just, I could go on and on about a post-pregnancy episode myself because I was so lost in my own skin. And then it's just like, how did I put myself here? But

 

Eddie:

do you know, uh, and this is, this is important because, during that time I thought, she doesn't like me. She doesn't love me. She's not turned on by me. And, and I thought in because of the fact that she's going through those emotions and feelings, I have no idea. And so I hope that this reaches someone that may be at that point or before that like I have no idea. So I'm making this mean something totally different. And the only way that I can think that we can build our connection, the only way that we can be connected is through sex. And so if we don't have that and we don't necessarily have this relationship that's growing and it's getting deeper, the only way I can find connections through sex and then when I would get turned down, I was feeling like, Oh my gosh, she doesn't love me. And so you go through this whole narrative and I think that it's a tough thing for people, especially having a new baby, a new relationship, a new marriage to go through because yeah, don't do it all at once. But I think that there is an opportunity that we can shed light on where you have to kind of seek for understanding. Like, if I knew then what I know now, then I would've had

 

Janelle:

then what you're saying now, I would have definitely, we could've just had a better conversation.

 

Eddie:

Right? We could have had a different conversation and we could've, I could've understood, because I think when you're young and you're getting married and you're doing all these things, you have no idea what the other person is, is actually emotionally going through hormonally going through and you're just thinking, well, what's happening? This is not what it used to be. And I think for men, we have the expectations that things should resume to pre-marriage. It should go by after baby comes and should go back to the, Hey, we're getting busy with the honeymoon. We're good Lord. Yeah. And so that is wrong and don't. If, so, if you're thinking about expectations, that's the one thing I would tell you that that's expectations is you have to really grow out of, because that's not what the relationship is about. And yeah, well, you have moments of romance.

 

Eddie:

Yeah. But I think that what ends up happening first is you have to understand that your wife just went through something that I would say is a pretty sure man. And you need to give time for those things to come back. And if you don't, then you're only going to do is just make yourself miserable and you're gonna make her miserable. And so that's my bit of advice for the expectation piece, which I think is, is crazy. But I think as our relationship evolved, the other thing that people don't tell you that is your ego has to leave. Like there's no room in the relationship for the ego because it's all about compromise. Yeah. Cause this is all about compromise. It's all about like it's not about being right. It's about getting it

 

Janelle:

and it's not ever 50-50 like Oh God, that is such a miscommunication. Right? It's never fair because one of you is going to be at your, at the top of your a game and the other one's going to need the other one to pull the other one or push the other one. And that's going to go for everything. That's going to go with managing your finances. That's going to go for leading your household or being really forward-thinking with where you're trying to take your family or whatever it is you're trying to do. There's always going to be a pusher and a Pooler right? And that's going to change at different seasons. So I think we could do a whole separate episode on all of the great things about our marriage. But to kind of like wrap it up like communication, lack of good communication, 100% could destroy your marriage. Do you agree with that?

 

Eddie:

And I think that that communication takes work. Like you can't sit back and try to just, if you just talking like you have to try to better understand what a person means and not run away with your own meaning. Cause there were times wherein our relationship that Janelle would say something and it wouldn't be rude, but I would create an entirely different meaning about it and I would create this narrative that didn't feel good that was out of context or whatever the case may be. And I'm sure there are times where she's felt the same way, but that you have to work through that because that communication is not about one person speaking to the person listening. It's about understanding communication is not, it doesn't exist unless there's some type of understanding

 

Janelle:

and nobody has to be, right. Right. That's another thing like I guess that's part of your ego situation. Like you're not arguing your point to be right.

 

Eddie:

And that's, and I will tell you that that was my biggest fault is, is that you are competitive and you want to be right about things. Right. And so early on you have conversations or you have thoughts or you have ideas about things and you want to be right. And so you'll argue them and then you, when you're not right, you'll make excuses and not bad about not being right so that you still win. Right. And then I'll never forget, I heard a radio host said it's not about being right. It's about getting it right. And I remembered that was, that resonated with me and I was like, wow, how often do I just want to get it right? Instead of it being this thing where it has to be what I think is the right, there's a right decision or what I think is the right way we should approach them.

 

Janelle: 

Love that. I love that, babe. I love you more today, by the way, than I did in 2005. Well, that's good. Seriously. I think that that could be in the episode of like the great things that no one tells you about marriage is that you think you know what love is and then you just like, you don't understand. It's like a whole deeper connection of like commitment and support and annoyance and forgiveness and all of the things, right.

 

Eddie:

I think love has to be broken down. Like it doesn't have to earn itself to a place where, jeez, it gets better.

 

Janelle:

Uh, yeah. I think, I mean if you think about that, that's kind of how life is, right? Like you've got to go through your hardest moments to reach like the top of the peak, right?

 

Eddie:

Yeah. Like I think there were times that we may have even, and I think we've heard other people say this and it and it, I'd never had brought up to these words, but I think there were times we had broken up in our marriage and then we had put ourselves back together.

 

Janelle:

Oh, broken apart and then put, yeah, already built. Literally break up. We definitely have rebuilt on many occasions. Yeah. Yeah.

 

Eddie:          38:36 And I think that that happens and I think that that's natural. But I think like I never ever, ever, ever want a divorce. And I don't even think that that's like a no, I heard, and this is something, so not having a father, you really listened to older men and will Smith.

 

Janelle:

Can I just say really quick? It makes me emotional. Like I could cry. I'm tearing up right now. Like when I see you say that and like what a great dad you are and why am I crying? You can't see me, but I'm crying like you've come so far. And that's like one of the best parts of our marriage is like I get to watch you be your best and it's such an honor. Cause like you didn't have, you didn't have a dad and you didn't have role models and you didn't have men in your life that were willing to pour into you. And I feel like man, you're the shit. Like you literally do this better than most men that I know and I'm so honored that you're my husband and I'm just really, really proud of you. So yeah. Okay, you talked cause I'm crying.

 

Eddie:

Well but now you're making me emotional. Um, no, but I just can't see, I just remember like will Smith saying there is no plan B like Jada stuck with me forever and I took that and I was like, and he was on Oprah saying this, this was years ago and I said that's going to be my model. I don't care. What happens is there's no plan B. I'm never getting divorced. This is what she, she stuck with me. I'm just going to be interesting. She slept with no, she stuck with me. He stuck with me and I think I just kept and I used that to try to get better and I'm not, have I been perfect at getting better? No, but I'm always trying to get better because I want to fulfill that. Right? And so if we ever grow this podcast out to be something really big and we get an opportunity to get maybe get invited to the red table, I will tell them that that was, that's been the kind of North Star for me.

 

Eddie:

And I think that that has helped with saying, okay, let me put my ego away because I'm no different than any of the guy. I have an ego that I have to tame, right? Like I have to like quiet. Even though I had this wonderful powerful wife that it can do any of the things that we do without me. But I know that there are times where I like, Hey, I need to take a back seat to this and Hey, this is where I probably need to kind of lean in a little bit more. And I think that that is so important in a relationship is, is quieting that ego and get into a place where you can like understand each other and know that, Hey, it's not about being right. And I think there's so many relationships out there, worse, they're competing. Yeah. And I think that we used to compete all the time in a silly way, but I think that there are times where we were competing and not knowing it. And then now we got to a place where we're just trying to get it right. Like, Hey, okay, maybe you're right about that. And I think that after when you looked at me and said, maybe you get a divorce, I like went inward because that's where I go. And I was just like, what am I doing about

 

Janelle:

me? Do I need to fix? Yeah. I love that. And I think the red table talk we watched, or at the time that we'll, we've seen many of you will, and Jada is conversations about marriage and you can think and have whatever opinions you have, but we don't judge people. That's one of our, like superpowers. But you're right when these said that he said there is literally nothing Jada could do that would make me want to divorce that woman. And I was like, Oh, I don't know that I could say that with certainty like that. Right, right. So you said it every time and he literally like they are hell-bent on that. Right. And then we had a great conversation. It was beautiful about it. Like what would we need to say to each other to make the commitment to know that ride or die.

 

Janelle:

Like there is no option, there is no one that's going to come in between us. There is nothing that could break us. Like what would we need to say or do and let's do that. And so that was our commitment. So I hope that you're able to have some really strong, powerful conversations with your spouse or the person you choose to spend to give your love away too. Because we are not perfect by any means, but we are watching and listening and trying to learn and grow as a couple every day. And we hope that some of our struggles were, will serve you. So have a good one, you guys. Thanks for listening. Bye.

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